The week of endless appointments.

This post turned into a bunch of word-vomit.  Hang in there with me…or skip this one.  I’m working on self-care and it’s important for me to have a space to get it out there.

Guys…I have 6 appointments this week.

SIX.

Yes, that means I have 2 appointments on one day, but one of them is just a med check.

Seriously, though.  Because I am transitioning therapists right now, I have 2 therapy appointments this week.  I have my dietish appointment and my med check (which really only comes up every 8-12 weeks).  I have my DBT group (which I love, but I think after this module, I’m going to have to stop going…it’s just too much and I’ve done the modules once through already. And I have my ED process group which is FAN-fucking-TASTIC (I’m not being at all sarcastic.  I was so hesitant to join this group and it has become SO helpful).

I don’t think anyone realizes how much of a full time job recovery is.  It’s not just going to appointments, which is a time-suck, but it’s taking the time to LIVE what I learn and discuss in my appointments.  Right now I wouldn’t have it any other way, but sometimes I just want to know what it’s like to go through a week (or a day.  or an hour) without having to be aware all the time.

I think part of it feels hard right now because I came to the conclusion that I need to switch therapists.  This is in no way a bad thing — long story short, I realized that my needs in therapy right now are different than A was able to meet.  I need someone really aggressive and hands-on right now, because I’ve been stuck for way too long.  Beyond the general eating stuck (sucking on the meal plan etc), I’ve felt mentally stuck for a while (months) and after some discussion, I decided to start ending things with A and finding a new therapist.  The only bad thing about this is that I haven’t had real therapy in like a month — my sessions with A have been focused on sort of wrapping things up and I don’t start with the new therapist, N (TNT?) until after our last session (something both of us decided would be best for other reasons).

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG A MONTH IS WITHOUT WORKING INDIVIDUAL THERAPY?

I’m not even talking about ED stuff only.  I have an awesome RD to help with that.  I’m talking about the generalized anxiety, depression and regular old obsessiveness that was there before the AN and will  probably exist after the AN.

Sometimes I hate being so dependent on mental healthcare, but when it’s working and I’m dealing with stuff that isn’t just the AN, I can’t deny that — for me, at least — talk therapy is really important.

Sorry this post became so jumbled.

To summarize:

-I have 6 appointments this week.

-I’m switching therapists.

-My RD is awesome.

-Therapy, for me, is REALLY important and extremely helpful.

-I will probably deal with depression and anxiety for most of my life, but I am really learning how to live with it.

-I didn’t say this in my post, but I got a cat. And she is AWESOME and deserves a post of her own, so more later on Sophie.

 

It’s just a thought.

Here’s a quick little post for a Monday.

(Side note: I always have stuff to post after my DBT group.  I <3 DBT.  Marsha Linehan is my homegirl.)

I was in a terrible mood heading to my DBT group today. Let me complain for a second before I continue (hey, it’s my blog.  Complaining allowed.)  I had sort of a rough day yesterday and went to bed pretty early.  Despite that, I hit snooze about 897 times this morning on my alarm — which I don’t normally do.  Somehow I managed to get up about 5 minutes before I had to be at work (oops!). I’m never late for work so I was trippin’ out a bit.  Luckily I live RIGHT down the street from my job so I literally rolled out of bed and into my clothes, brushed my teeth and left (I was only 5 minutes late.  I am awesome).  I should mention that I also eat my meals at work, with my clients, so breakfast was taken care of.

Anyway, I couldn’t get on my game all day — no coffee in the morning, no time to take a few breaths before diving onto the floor.  I was just tired and blah and in DBT right now we’re working on self-care (the PLEASE skills and planned pleasant events, for you DBT-folk) which is really difficult for me.  I also skipped out on a coaching call with my DBT therapist this week (oops again), so I wasn’t quite looking forward to group.  But I sucked it up and went because I’m not about to pay for missing a group =|

After our meeting I was chatting with one of the therapists and I said that I’m struggling because I feel like I’ve hit a wall in my “practice”.  I know the skills and I’m comfortable using the skills and I believe that they work to reduce unpleasant emotions/create a life worth living/etcetc.  However I’m in this place where I’m really scared of feeling…good.  Or even content.  The same things are coming up in sessions with the dream team.  I think I might be capable of turing things around for the better but this whole concept of having MY life that I created that makes me feel fulfilled without something lurking in the background (i.e. the AN) is WEIRD for me and makes me feel unsettled.

SO I told my DBT therapist all this and she was like (I’m paraphrasing), “This is just a thought, Gina.  It feels very real and I’m sure it’s creating anxiety, but you’re learning that you don’t have to act on it.  At this point you’re going to need to use skills to deal with using skills, which sucks, but the good thing is it’s just a reflexive thought, a thought pattern that you’ve been in for years, but still just a thought.  It’s like when the doctor hits your knee to check your reflexes.  Or if you bang your elbow on the door and it hurts so you rub it. It may cause a reaction, but that reflex doesn’t have to mean anything other than ‘OH, something happened.’ It’s the same with the thoughts that feel really big compared to other daily anxieties.”

 

Now, if you know DBT (or even other third wave behavioral therapies), this is the general idea behind most of them: you can have the thoughts, you don’t have to act on them.  I guess it’s been hard for me to embrace that in some areas (my “hot” areas as I call them).  But for some reason, thinking of the thought as a reflex or a response to a bump on the head helped a lot.

It’s just a thought.  It doesn’t have to mean anything.*

 

*easier said than done.  but helped me out for today.

Glee Fail

Confession time: I am hardcore in love with Glee.  As someone who typically doesn’t disclose my bad TV choices (ahem, Real Housewives, anyone?), you should consider this privileged information. =P

Anyway, I’ve loved Glee for a long time — I can’t help it, I’m a musical theater/dance/song geek at heart.  Any show that boasts current covers of my favorite songs (with dance!) is awesome in my book.  I’m also a glutton for social change and I’ve, for the most part, really liked how Glee has handled some really tough situations (teen pregnancy, sex and sexuality, death, alternative gender expressions, etc).  I’ve actually been waiting for the producers to address eating disorders because I had hoped it would be done tactfully…

…I don’t want to explain the whole storyline here, but suffice to say it has been full of snide remarks about eating disorders and a myriad of misinformation that just keeps getting recycled through the episodes.  Girl decides to lose weight for a show.  Girl starts purging.  Girl passes out.  Friends confront girl.  Girl gets better.  The whole issue seems to be sort of campy and funny and not at all serious.

Eating disorders are a REAL SERIOUS MEDICAL ISSUE.  I’m so tired of media portraying unrealistic images of eating disorders AND of recovery.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I do NOT think media causes eating disorders or prevents recovery.  However, with a platform as big as national television, I would hope that Glee could show some real issues surrounding eating disorders: social, psychological and medical consequences.  And perhaps even provide some inspiration for people struggling with eating disorders.  I absolutely did NOT expect Glee to make eating disorders a punchline: but they did.

Proud2BMe, a NEDA offshoot for the younger set, also wrote a thoughtful article on this topic.  I’d encourage you to check it out and share your thoughts.

Do you watch Glee?  What do you think of how they handled the idea of eating disorders?  I’m trying to figure out how to get in touch with Fox re: this subject, but I’m not sure at this point.

Happy Monday, blog-folk!

Reasons why.

Hey world.

It’s been so hard for me to sit down and blog lately and I’ve been trying to figure out why.  I’m not super-obsessive about blogging or anything, but it has historically been something that is really helpful to me.

I don’t, however, feel like I am neglecting blogging or letting it fall by the wayside because I’m not letting myself do things that feel good to me.  This may seem strange and I don’t know if I’m wording it well.  Basically I have, in the past, stopped doing things that feel good to me (or feel like helpful tools for recovery) because I don’t think I deserve it.  This definitely does not feel like that.

I think that I’m just so surrounded by mental health care and other therapeutic things in my life right now that sitting down to blog, and, like, be more thoughtful seems exhausting.  My work is all therapy all the time — not really, I’m exaggerating a little — but I am doing a lot of mental health work, keeping track of my own responses to clients, tons of crisis management and being…mindful.  I wouldn’t have it any other way, but sometimes I want to come home and be mindless for a little while.

I have also been struggling a bit lately (unrelated to work) (0r blogging) and recently upped my treatment ante.  Now I go to therapy & the dietish once a week, MD every 2-3 weeks and I’m doing a weekly ED process group and my DBT group.  I think this is all really excellent, but combined with the fact that I also do therapy for others all day, I sometimes want to just watch bad TV (re: ABC family) when I get home.

This post was really more for myself, I wanted to check myself to see if I was avoiding blogging to avoid something  or if I really just need a mental break.

 

A mindful moment.

Hi blog-world.

I have a few posts in mind this week — it’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week (in the US) and while I don’t doubt that we need more awareness, I have some issues with how things go down during EDAW (see last years rant).

But this post is none of that.

I had a lovely experience on my way home tonight and I thought I’d share it with you all.

So as you may know, I am in a DBT group. I’ve been in it for ~8 months and I find it really helpful and generally awesome. The group itself is on a 6 month cycle and most people go through the modules 2 times (hence I’m in month 8). DBT is based almost entirely in mindfulness and as such, we are continually practicing being mindful basically all the time. I struggle with living my life mindfully (I am better when it’s in directed situations), but that’s part of what I’m working on now.

On my way home from DBT group I was driving through the city (SF) to get home (Oakland). Part of my drive involves going down a long hill toward the Bay Bridge.

Bay Bridge w/ Oakland in the background. During the day. Not my picture.

As I came over the apex of the hill the moon was just rising behind the bridge and it was GIGANTIC. Seriously, it was HUGE. The sun had just barely set so the sky was this awesome dark turquoise color. The bridge was lit up and the horizon behind the bridge was the Oakland Embarcadero.

Guys. The image was stunning.

So I did what any safe driver would do and I tried to take a picture on my phone (I imagine if Anthony is reading this right now he is cringing. I stand by the fact that I’m great at driving with my knees, but he disagrees). Only I was all out of space on my phone to take any more pictures.*

I tried really hard to finagle driving and deleting pictures and making sure that I had a good view, but it just wasn’t happening.

I decided to put the phone down, forget the picture and just enjoy the scene for myself. I feel really lucky to live in a place that I find so outstanding and beautiful and I took the ~45 seconds that I had to really sit with that (while driving safely, of course).

It. Was. Wonderful.

It’s not very often that I am able to be mindful of anything that I don’t consider “work” for more than 10 seconds. I’m becoming able to be mindful of my current emotions when they’re interfering with eating/recovery stuff. But I don’t usually take the time to use my skills just for my own benefit (Not that I don’t take the time, it just doesn’t usually cross my mind.).

I’m sorry that I don’t have a terrible instagram photo to share with y’all, but I’m not that sorry, because you may not have even liked it and it probably wouldn’t have done the sight justice anyway =P

*Note: I’m not just a freak who takes so many pictures on my phone that I run out of space to take more. I let my god kids use my phone to “play” with and their idea of “play” is to “take 10298 photos of the TV screen or the wall” and I just haven’t gotten around to deleting them yet. Although my kids remind me to be mindful of joyous moments when I’m with them ALL the time, so maybe it was fate that their shenanigans brought me some peace on my ride home?

Emotional buy-in

God, I started this post like 3 hours ago but my focus has been terrible tonight and I keep getting distracted (by the 9028 other tabs open on my internet browser) and I’ve only written, like, 4 sentences.

So, one of my favorite things about DBT is that, in my group at least, the therapists stress the importance of emotionally buying into whatever you’re logically trying to convince yourself to do.  Unless I’m horribly mistaken, wise mind (also see the cool image that I did NOT make) is a place that one generally strives to make a lot of decisions from when practicing DBT.  I was taught that wise mind makes choices that are in line with your long term values/goals but that also appeals to your emotional mind.   In my group, we talk about wise mind statements that generally include an “AND” (i.e. I don’t want to get out of bed and go to work because I’m feeling depressed AND I’m going to do it anyway because having a good career is important to me). Honestly, reframing things like this works for anything. When I first started/when people first get to DBT group, they have us use pretty uncharged things to practice (i.e. I really want to wear this dress because it’s super cute and I’m going to be around some guy I like, AND I’m going to decide to wear jeans and a sweater because it’s really cold out). (That was NOT my example, btw. Dress? What is a DRESS? ) An example I’ve used re: the eating disorder is something like, “Eating this [meal/snack/whatever] is making me anxious, which is understandable, however to reach the goals I’ve set for myself in life, I need to be in solid recovery and that means I’m going to eat it anyway.”

Anyway, take the wise mind stuff for what it’s worth to you; that’s not really the important part of the post, I just wanted to illustrate the most basic way in which DBT first made me consider the “emotional buy-in” (or what I call massaging the emotional mind – because really it’s just a way to combine emotion and logic without shitting all over yourself for acting one way or another). And also point out the fact that I pretty much LIVE in reasonable mind without trying very hard and I think the time is coming where I have to start to share my brain space with the emotional side of things.

ANYWAY. I’m at a point in my own recovery where I’m struggling with the emotional buy in. Actually, I think I’ve always struggled with that aspect of things. I’ve logically known what I needed to do for recovery for a long time. My insight has never been lacking and I read enough research to decide for myself whether or not my team is BS-ing me (luckily, I have a dream team who is always open to my feedback and who, as far as I’ve seen, stays current with what’s going on in the field and doesn’t force things that clearly aren’t working for me – without letting the ED get away with BS). I’ve had a really, really hard time turning insight into action and I think sometimes it’s because I don’t pause to take care of the part of my brain that is really emotionally invested in the disorder. Not always, and definitely not in the earlier stages of recovery when logic and reason basically got me through refeeding. But now when I struggle, I find that using what I know isn’t as helpful as it used to be.

Now, I think, I really need to start bridging the emotional gaps in my brain. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a shit-ton of emotional work this past year (or more: I’m nearing my discharge date from Reasons!). I’ve done more emotional work this year than I’ve ever done in my entire ~10 years of on/off intensive treatment, therapy, etc. But I’m not yet so good at using my emotions as information (yet). And I think, MAYBE, if I can start letting myself spend some time in emotional mind, especially when I’m leaning toward using some behavior, that my logic will be much better used.

I can’t find good words now — but I think what I’m trying to say is that I need to start feeling more emotions (and even being able to identify more emotions) and use that to gain information about what’s going on when I turn to a behavior. It’s like I need to learn new things at this point in recovery before I can apply logic and reason to things. Going back to the wise mind deal, I’ve done things at like 80:20 (reasonable:emotional mind) thus far in recovery and I probably need to make it more like 60:40 to get past this point.

Anyhow I’m feeling jumbled and I think it’s because more came out in this post than I intended (or at least it came out more scattered than I intended). I blame it on sitting through 8 hours of new-hire orientation at work the past 3 days (2 more left!). It’s good info but horribly boring because they only do orientations every 3 months and I’ve been working there for a month so I’ve already USED a lot of what I’m learning. /whine.

Loving right now…

I was going to do a big update on, you know…big things, but I decided to do something more neutral/uplifting. Recovery stuff is really hard right now and my life is packed with work (which is AWESOME), appointments with the dream team, grad school apps, group and, you know…having a life and a relationship. Mixed with that I feel like I’m in a constant state of transition right now.

So for this post I’m going to shout out to a few things I am loving right now/thankful to have in my life.

1.

This whole album from Passion Pit. I’ve listened to this group for a while, but I cannot get enough of the album Gossamer. It’s rare that like an album enough to repeatedly listen to the whole thing (not just a few songs), but whenever I hear this music I just want to jump up and dance (not always possible seeing as I do most of my listening while driving!) Download it or buy it. I’d even be willing to share, just let me know if you want it. Enjoy this track for now:

2. Sourdough. I was recently given a sourdough starter, which is not actually that hard to do on your own. I’ve been making a few things using whole wheat sourdough: crackers, English muffins. Way easier than I thought it would be and SO delicious.

3. This boy: I’ve said before that A’s behavior warrants serious celebration and I stand by it. I am so thankful for him and enjoy the time we spend together so much.

4. GRATITUDE. I am trying to spend some time every few days writing down little things I’m thankful for. I’m loving it – if anything, taking the 10 minutes to notice life’s little pleasures slows me down and reminds me that not everything is a BFD and life is pretty good.

5. My job. I don’t know how much it’s okay to disclose about my job online (I work at an adolescent substance abuse treatment facility/group home, it’s not a huge secret or anything, but I’m sure there are confidentiality things to consider). Anyway, it’s intense and challenging at times, but it really keeps me going, fulfills me and reminds me why I need to keep pushing. I really love this work. Here’s a bad pun. Stuff like this gives me a good giggle now: 

6. DBT. It’s my second time through the DBT group I’m doing (I should really devote a whole post to my practice/group, it’s wonderful), and I’m finally figuring out how to really implement the skills in my every day life (and into my “hot spots” – namely recovery stuff). I remember when I first did DBT at Avalon Hills (the first place I did residential Tx). I NEVER thought I’d be able to take it seriously after that. But it’s really been a great learning experience.

PS dudes: I didn’t update for like a week and WordPress changed it’s whole layout. So confusing. THIS GIRL DOESN’T LIKE CHANGE. =|